Wednesday, June 9, 2021

wild brains

I've had variations of a certain dream over and over and over through the years:
I am driving and I can't keep my eyes open. 

My head is bobbing all around as I try to open my concrete Benadryl eyes and steer the car on the highway. and I'm panicking because the car is swerving everywhere, people are honking and I'm in a seizure-like head-dropping trance, absolutely about to crash.
But it keeps going and it definitely makes no sense that I haven't yet crashed.
And I feel myself wishing that it would just crash and be over with because this feeling of trying to keep my head up and eyes open to do something as simple as looking out the window to steer is complete torture.
every moment of the dream is a feeling of struggle while bracing myself for the crash.

A couple years ago, I was meeting with my psychiatrist at one of our standard check-ins. She was conducting a classic game of 'Rate Your Depression' and I said something about feeling asleep at the wheel. 
I heard myself say the words, 'living asleep at the wheel'. my mind then left my body and my little tootsie brain just about popped off. 

no fucking shit
I couldn't believe I hadn't made the connection sooner.

and it feels so true, I am sleeping at the goddamn wheel, Nancy! 

life is happening to me, slapping me in the face, as I am not steering properly. 
10 and 2 bitch, drink some green tea and wake the fuck up

and if you don't continuously work on the things that help to lift a feeble mind and body above the haze, the struggle slogs on. 

an analysis of this dream from the internet: 

Dreaming about falling asleep at the wheel is a warning for some unresolved issue which you are not addressing. 
Your dream hints at your raging emotions which have been held back and repressed for a long time. You cannot always do everything on your own, you may feel on the verge of exploding. 

Confusion, troubles, uncertainty and worry. Your recurrent dreams are a crash course in the dangers of leading a frenetic lifestyle. Being in the driver's seat is a sign of your drive and ambition and your unwillingness to put on the brakes. But trying to make an impact in life appears to be driving you to distraction. Perhaps you feel time is running out for you. Crashing is a symbol of your need for self-confrontation. You must face up to your reckless behavior and reverse course. You must slow down and assess the road ahead.

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The Brain 
All it's tricks and crevices. hidden passageways. a map with its own keys, rusty locks and trapdoors guarded by trolls. the smartest mush around.  the brain 
a real mindfuck, if you will. 

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